Thursday, June 27, 2013

When the Risk is High

I forget sometimes, that God moves - even when I'm not looking.

That moments that seem ordinary and unassuming are really spinning and moving in a synchronized dance that begins to pull everything together.

And suddenly all the words I am reading and the conversations I am having over coffee and the places I go are all quietly falling into a place where He is and I am and everything begins to make sense.

There is a small group of us girls who read the same Words as me every morning - nothing fancy, we just write down the word done and add some more if we want; but more than anything, it has become a space for me to be encouraged in my faith.

This session has included a book study, a small unassuming book called Anything.

And it has been while reading this book that everything has begun to fall together.

The question I get asked the most when people around me find out about my husband's ministry and our family's heavy involvement - knowing what they do about the area and the obvious risk involved - is why?

Why would we risk it?  Why would we even want to?

And the answer goes back to who I have been - a woman who has desired roots and safety and quiet and comfort...

A woman who has wanted to be filled and fed and ministered to.

I had forgotten that this life I have is so small in light of eternity.

I had forgotten that this life is my offering to The One Who gave me these moments in the first place.

And I was selfishly using them on myself.

I hadn't taken Him seriously when He looked at His twelve and said, Go.

Something had felt off for a while, unsettled and more than a little restless. I kept craving more, but I didn't know what it was that I was wanting.

And around the time that Tony took over as the director of Madison House, I began to pray for a clear answer or an idea or anything to somehow quiet what seemed to be becoming so loud.

And Jesus has answered by placing in my heart a hunger for Him that nothing has seemed to satisfy. A hunger to know Him and know His Word and to turn around try and live it out. 

I get asked why? and I want to ask, why not?

If Jesus said to go, then why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't I expand my children's circle and give them more people to love and to be loved by?

If I have been forgiven so much, if even in my failures and mess-ups God has still blessed us with this opportunity to go and obey Him, why would I stay home?

Maybe because I turn 34 today and I don't know how many years I have left and I see so plainly how many years I have wasted.

Maybe because I can't explain it other than this burning desire to pour out my life to Him because I can't think of any other way to say, thank You.

Maybe it's just as simple as love.

When you open your hands and say yes, there is a change of focus. What has seemed so crazy is turned upside down and serving Him sets it right - as though crazy is actually the distorted reflection of a firm decision to go.